Tuesday Thoughts: Postpartum Depression and the NICU

I wanted to write this post because it is such an important subject to talk about, especially for new moms. I know it's a heavy topic, but it's so very important.  Over the past few years, we have become much more accepting and open about discussing postpartum depression. Celebrities openly discussing their struggles have really helped to make strides in this important topic. Even more recently, there have been a lot of studies out and a lot of articles written not only postpartum depression with NICU parents, but post dramatic stress disorder, or PTSD. Being a NICU mom myself, several people have asked my opinion about these topics recently.

Here's what I know: the birth of your baby should be the best, most wonderful day of your life. Your baby should be placed on your chest, your husband or partner snapping photos that you'll laugh about later because your hair is a mess and your 2 day old makeup is smeared. You should hear that loud cry and breath a sigh of relief knowing that you did it. You just gave birth.

Sadly, for many parents this is not the case. This was not our case. I didn't hold my daughter for 5 days. Gianni didn't get to hold her for 10 days. Even when we did get to hold her, it wasn't on our terms, we couldn't just scoop up our baby and cuddle for hours. It was a well rehearsed dance; in the early days it would take 2 nurses and a respiratory therapist to manuever her PICC line, feeding tube, and ventilator. They would take our 2 pound little baby and gently slide her down my shirt so she was resting in my bra like a little tiny kangaroo. She would curl up and her head would not even reach my neck.

The nurses and doctors that delivered Gabriella didn't clap or say congratulations. They were terrified of everything that had happened like we were. They hugged me and whispered that she was alive and the NICU staff was amazing. Gianni hugged me and was whisked away with the NICU staff and our daughter so he could sign consent forms to resuscitate her. Our parents didn't get to snuggle up to their granddaughter; instead they saw her go flying by with a team of specialists.

In the days and weeks that followed Gabriella's birth, I blamed myself. The reality is that there is nothing that I did or didn't do during my pregnancy that caused her prematurity. But in those NICU days, I felt like I had failed. In my irrational, hormonal mindset, I felt like a horrible mother. I couldn't stay pregnant. Our tiny, sweet girl was struggling to live because of what I thought I couldn't do for her.

There are a few things that helped pull me through. First, Gianni. He stayed up with me in the nights when I would be pumping and crying for the crib that was empty in our house. Just sitting next to me during those late night/early morning hours was more helpful than I  can ever describe. Second, my OB/GYN. She was very patient and had all the time in the world for me to talk about everything I was going through. She is a big supporter of "talk therapy" and spent so much time with me, not only at my 6 week appointment, but would call nearly weekly to check in. Third, the other parents around us in the NICU. We were so lucky that we were surrounded by great families. We would all talk so often and hearing that these other women had the same thoughts and fears as myself truly helped.

So for those who wonder, "can traumatic births really cause PTSD?", I would say yes. Several parents that I know struggled with their child's first birthday because it was the anniversary of such a scary and traumatic day. I can still hear the beeping from the monitors and can still hear the emergency alarms when something was going wrong. We will forever count our blessings because we have a happy outcome; our daughter is healthy, happy, and thriving. Many preemie parents do not.

Getting past PPD isn't a flick of a switch. It is gradual and for many moms, can take months. Looking back, I think I finally felt like myself again once Gabriella was home. And the nervousness and anxiety that came with bringing her home faded over time.

For fellow NICU moms (and dads!), talk to your baby's nurses and doctors if you are feeling overwhelmed or sad. Don't discount your feelings and make time to slow down. The early days in the NICU can be a whirlwind and it is easy to feel lost. Reach out to other preemie parents and lean on your family and friends during the hard days.

Gabriella is now 16 months old and while I may always be jealous that we don't have beautiful "birth" day photos or memories, I think about our story and look at our photos and think, we did it. And after all is said and done, our journey has made us stronger and you know what, our photos are amazingly beautiful :)

xo,
Mary